Why can't I clean out my closet?!?!?

You know, I'm sitting on my bed, looking dismally at my closet to see what I should pack to wear tomorrow. My closet is filled with enough clothing to clothe a small African village, or a housekeeping staff of a dozen illegals, whichever comes first. Yet, it is seemingly impossible to find something to wear.

Why is this? It's conceivable that part of the reason is because Carrie has forbidden me to wear my muu muus. Which were the substitution for the sweats Marcie forbade me from wearing. Not that this is the only thing my closet is made up of. It maybe comprises 4.68% (with a margin of error of 2%). So, what's the problem?

There are two problems. One is less problamatic than the other. It can be explained with one or two simple questions: What if I get invited to an 80's party at the westerner? What if I need to attend a charity event with a Mexican Hat Dance theme? Obviously, the more crap you have in your closet, the more likely it is you can throw something together (although, the last couple years, my closet is so unmanageable it's less time consuming to just go buy something...)

The other, and more serious, issue is that I'm a post-30 year old woman. The last four years has seen a weight gain of plus or minus ten pounds. Now, for guys, this is no big deal. For us women, ten pounds is HUGE in the way our clothing fits. My closet has a range of sizes from size 2 to size 10. Of course, all the cute clothes are size 4-6, which at this stage of my ass' maturity into adulthood, are long in the past. But I REFUSE to spend money on clothes that actually fit. I mean, why would I waste my money on clothing that I'll only wear for a minute? Obviously give me a few weeks at the gym and I'll be right back into those cute clothes.

I've been waiting for those few weeks at the gym now to make a difference for a year and a half. Clearly something is broken at my gym.

In the meantime, I spend every day trying the same jeans I tried on yesterday, just in case during the night I was visited by a flesh eating disease that trimmed five inches off my hips, and then those jeans need to be refolded and put away. It's very time consuming. Now I understand why mature women wear skirts. With elastic waists.

I can't wait until I can wear polyester pants suits. OMG, was that my outloud voice?!?!? Has it really come to that? Sigh.