Pants

Do you have a nickname?

I do. I have several. Some are given by the people who love me, some are given by the people who hate me. Of course, there are other nicknames as well, that are just used as a distinguishing marker. I am Manda, Ma, "Coors girl", Sissy, Maynard...I'm pretty sure the list goes on and on. I'm sure there are several that I'm actually glad I don't know.

Do not confuse terms of endearment with nicknames. Everyone has been a babe, baby, sweetheart, puddin' pie, or muffin. Not to mention, we constantly recycle these terms, as we change partners (and by this I mean date someone new....not get a new bridge partner.) I would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that if someone thinks an appropriate love name is "turd" as in "you're my favorite turd" as in "I wouldn't s*@t ya, you're my favorite turd," don't walk, RUN away. Can you imagine sitting at a $1000 per plate fundraising dinner, and having your mate call you "turd?" Yeah. That's nice.

If you are close to me, you probably have earned a nickname. That's right. EARNED. I bestow nicknames with honor. Even if it's really not that....flattering. However, mostly they are inside jokes, that over time have become the norm. Some of my favorites include "Pants," "my Mumford," "Wog," "Mosh," "Banana," and "Jerry." Sometimes I make them up personally, sometimes I adopt the ones you already have. It's my perrogative.

Othertimes, your nickname is used mostly behind your back, and it is used as a descriptor. For instance "Mike the attorney," "Marcus the Sequel," "Lender Mike," "Long-hair Chad," "Troy the Douche, "Aaron Man Muff," "THE," and "Papa Mike." The list goes on and on. You may notice that most of these are men. That's because I'm a girl, and boys come and go. However, I know boys do it too...I just had a conversation about "Helicopter" this morning. It's just easier that way.

So, am I callous when I call you "Boring Ben" behind your back? Of course not. Boring may have a negative connotation to most, but really I respect your lack of excitement and constancy in keeping your life on track. It just helps in conversation with mutual friends, because your name is so common. I still love you, though. That's why you're my friend.

So, wear your nickname with pride. However, if someone calls you "monkey," know the difference. This is a term of endearment (Dwight calls Angela that in The Office, for example). If someone refers to you as "Mr. Bogus," wear your title with honor. You've earned a place in her heart.