Nothing makes sense...

So...I just got stung by a bee...or wasp...or yellow jacket...not sure what it was, but it made me realize the last time I got stung I was five. I actually remember it vividly. Sunny day, Paul and Evelyn's front yard, picked a flower, a daisy actually, and a bee sting. Although it hurt, I think I was even angrier about the injustice of the sneak attack. After all, I had no intention of hurting the bee. I didn't even know he was there. I was shocked by how unfair it seemed. Remember when you thought life was fair?

I grew up thinking that the quality of one's life was based on the fruits of one's own labors. Not to quote Jim Carey, but to quote Jim Carey "I'm getting what I deserve...I'm reaping what I've sown..." Then after that went to shit, I grew up thinking that the Lord sent you challenges to make you grow (but was promised said challenges wouldn't be more than you could handle).

But tonight, as I sit and ponder another sneak bee attack, and look at his lifeless corpse in my dishtowel on the floor...I realize that not only is life not fair, but it's unexpected. It's unmanageable, and even when you try to bite off only what you can chew...oftentimes you still choke on it (like raw carrots, for instance. No matter how small I chew those, I still end up with them stuck in my throat. Crazy, right?)

So, I came to blog. About how I wish I had appreciated times when my biggest headaches were how much I hated tomatoes and boys...but my attention was caught by the updates on my cousin, Michelle's, blog. I've never been slapped in the face by my laptop, but tonight was pretty damn close. If ever there was a time for me to question the injustice of life, it's been the past couple years.

My cousin Michelle is...wait...was six years younger than me. Although I guess when she passed away she was only five years younger. She is the model daughter of God. Always been pure of heart and mighty of soul. Of course, once someone passes, it's easy to say that. But I'm for real on this...One of many examples? I remember when we were a lot younger, I was playing Salt and Peppa on the cassette tape and she turned it off and said it was "naughty". I just thought they were "here" and wanted me to "push it back". But my Michelle, she had a close relationship with her Savior, was caring and loving, and while we weren't close as we got older, you know how with family you just...."are"? Well, we just were.

So, somebody tell me why it was in the plan for her to die? Why would this righteous mother of three be taken from her three children and husband, at the young age of 28?

Serioulsy. Take my brother instead. He's mostly useless.

Michelle told my mom (about a week before she died) that she was watching her funeral. People came to say goodbye. Us included. Do you know what it feels like to go pay respects when the soul hasn't left the body? She was so gracious about it. This was a gift she gave to me that I feel unworthy of recieving, and one that she gave to many, many others. If I were dying, I'm not sure I would be so unselfish.

So you see. Tonight I would love to go back to hating tomatoes.

But I can't. So I must make the most of my life. Live because I can. Hope for the future, but NEVER forget the lessons of the past. And never,ever forget those who have taught me lessons in their 80's censorship, kindness of heart, dry wit, and gone to meet death with bravery and faith.

I love you Michelle. You are my hero. My family.

Kids

Having children is one of the most amazing experiences of our lives, and at the same time one of the scariest. The responsibility that comes with being a parent is almost heart paralyzing, and definitely sleep depriving. It is not a task for the weak, but fortunately we are biologically strengthened when hear that heartbeat, and first smell the scent of our offspring. We are then given a gift of love that will fortify our souls in order to bear the duty of raising our young.

Thank God.

There are days that I'm not sure if I'm raising my children, or if they are raising me. My children have some gifts that over time I'm sure will be jaded but for now are so intrinsic to their natural selves that we, as adults, ought to watch and learn, and listen...and maybe take these lessons into our hearts and apply them.

What lessons you may ask? What emotions and/or traits? Here are a few things I need to learn from my kids:

Everyone is a friend. Have you ever watched a child in a new environment? A friendship begins with a few simple words: "Hi, what's your name?" That's the extent of it. Everyone is accepted...everyone is welcome. You give the benefit of the doubt.

Forgive and let go. My kids are constantly beating the crap out of each other, and occasionally their friends too. It happens. Frustrations surface. But beat the shit out of each other and get over it. I'm amazed that they'll have a huge brawl, and then fifteen minutes later, they're all sitting in a row talking about sports.

It's okay to cry. When your heart hurts, let it out. Don't keep it inside. Cry, and then go get a popsicle.

Say "I love you". I found this hard to bear when my kids were super little, because they would tell their friends that they loved them. I was worried that the other moms would not let my children play with their kids. But let's face it. When we get older we say it to our adult friends, here and there, anyway. But we do love our friends. Sometimes more then our family. So say it...don't spray it.

It's okay to laugh at others' mistakes. We are often embarrassed for others and choose to ignore the mistake, which almost makes it worse. Let's just laugh. Enjoy the moment. Because tomorrow I'll make an ass out of myself. So laugh at me then.

Differences are okay. You can use adjectives that describe other people, such as "brown, short, fat" because that's who they are and that's okay. You know what? I have a big nose, uneven ears, and a voice that sounds like I'm four. But if someone told you, "you know, the girl who has a big nose, uneven ears, and sounds like she's four" you'd know exactly who he was talking about, right? Cuz that's who I am. So. What. Don't be offended.

Ask questions. When you don't know, don't be embarrassed. Ask. It's amazing the facts you'll discover and the different things you'll learn.

And when you hear music? Dance. Dance like there is no one watching. Dance until you can't breathe. Let it all out.

Because really. Who cares?

Only you. So live with your heart. Let others' know you care. Learn everything you can, and forgive and forget. Lessons my children have taught me in the course of one day. I'm so very, very lucky.

random things about me.

this was a little facebook fun. and i'd like to share it. i was supposed to list 25 things about myself. so here it is:

1. i have webbed toes.
2. i've been dancing to barbra streisand's rendition of "jingle bells" since i was four (on the 8-track) before opening gifts on christmas day. now it's on the i-pod.
3. my idea of a perfect day is sleeping in, brunch at OB, nap, and a good book.
4. i'm in love with my best friend. (best GUY friend. obviously. although my best girlfriends are worthy of love....)
5. g-love kissed my right cheek. he was scruffy.
6. i've never been arrested, although i get pulled over regularly.
7. i have an eighteen year old daughter, not from my body.
8. i never got wisdom teeth
9. i have a blind dog.
10. i went on a date with senator daschle's son in high school.
11. i still sleep with my baby blanket.
12. i'm pretty sure i'm a ninja.
13. i don't like chocolate.
14. i gamble.
15. my ears are on crooked.
16. i love to play games. not head games. board games and such.
17. i hate the sound of scratching your blue jeans, or the sound of cloth ripping.
18. i've lost 20 lbs in three months.
19. i have a sibling in almost every decade (0-10, 10-20, 20-30, 40-50. i'm the 30-40)
20. i'm writing a book.
21. i don't eat fish. or seafood of any kind.
22. i want to go to the concentration camps in germany.
23. i love eighties music. and it's the best when sung at the top of your lungs. or at karaoke. but only if you're in a dive.
24. i occasionally go out in costume. just for giggles.
25. i've saved a life. well, someone i taught CPR to saved a life two weeks after my class. but i'm claimin' it.

I guess I'm impossible?

So, I guess I have a really annoying personality trait. For those of you that know me, or have ever gotten into an altercation with me, this news probably won't surprise you. What will be shocking, however, is that I'm confessing to my supposed "defect".

Well maybe.

My crime: I am never wrong. I honestly don't know how this happens, but it's true. I'm told over and over again by those close to me that I never admit when I'm wrong and that they can never win an argument against me. My response, of course, is "I'll admit I'm wrong, when I'm wrong. The problem is you're never right." Which, for some odd reason typically doesn't go over well.

When you think about differences of opinion, it is rare that there is RIGHT and WRONG. It's not a perfect science. I will always be right, and you will always think you're right. It's all about personal perspective. There are so many factors at play when you consider the way we think about things. My recollection of a previous conversation versus your memory. My understanding about what we communicated about, versus what you were intending to say. The conclusions drawn NOT ONLY about the situation at hand, NOT ONLY by the words that were said, but also our feelings and our own personal histories and viewpoints that have over the years come to shape what and how we think.

So, when considering the misunderstanding at hand, is it really clear that one person is right, and one person is wrong? Or is it really more logical to realize that in all probability both are responsible in some way. Maybe it was you changing your means of communicating with me, even though we had a previous history of speaking by mouth, rather than mail correspondance. Perhaps I'm culpable because I don't open my mail. Regardless of the misunderstanding, typically one person wins, and one person loses.

This, I guess, is where it's annoying to deal with me. I will fight until you understand that I'm right. If you think I am wrong, then the burden of proof rests on your shoulders. I will not budge until you see it my way, concede my point, and then I'll negotiate terms with you. If you can prove to me, however, that I'm sincerely in the wrong, then I will apologize and make it right.

I don't think this makes me a bad person. I think this just means I have a very stubborn viewpoint, and quite possibly be better at debate than you. It doesn't mean I don't feel bad about the misunderstanding, or that I think less of you as a person. I really do want to come to terms, and make amends.

It may be odd, but I believe that my skills to argue my case are actually a GOOD quality. I'm trying to raise my boys to fight for themselves. Think outside the box. Prove that what they have to say is valid. But if it's not, it's time to apologize.

So when you get frustrated with your inability to win, or when you resort to low blows instead of a valid argument, don't be surprised when we end up on opposite sides of a chasm. The good news is, I'm a lover, not a fighter. While I'm passionate about my cause, it's a flash in the pan. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, love you more, and forgive and forget.

Happy New Year!

Today is January 9, 2009. I am already nine days into this, the best year of my life, and I have yet to *gasp* make my New Year’s Resolutions.

How in the world am I going to make it through my year? I have no map of what I’m going to be. No image set out of the better person I aspire to become. No reason to quit my nasty habits. I missed the deadline. The year began without me. Guess I’ll have to wait until 2010. Whew. What a relief.

Now I don’t have to feel the guilt when I break my resolutions. Unlike 2008, which began with high aspirations. Rules that if followed would change my life. “Be great in 2008” was my motto. Not only did I slide into my old, and very established habits, which then in turn meant I was breaking my goals, at some point I realized that I should make my new resolutions (this was in May) the exact OPPOSITE and see if I could knock that ball out of the park. So I spent the rest of the year gaining weight, not working out , eating like crap, and some other unmentionables. I finished 2008 such a major success after the revision of my resolutions that guilt was not a emotion I felt.

I can tell that many of you made your resolutions, however. This is why I can't get a parking space at the gym, or when I'm on the track at the rec center you're in my way. Fortunately I can count on half of you being gone in two weeks, and the rest by the end of February. And once you actually break your resolution, you won't be back. Because you failed. So, no need to start again until next year. Feel bad about your failure, eat a bowl of ice cream, and see you next Janurary.

OR, you could, of course, work on yourself all year. A novel thought, I know, but just throwing it out there. You know, kinda set goals that change regularly like you do. Nah.

So I am proclaiming that this year, I am taking a stand. I am not making New Year’s resolutions. Dick Clark can kiss my lily white….knees. I am what I am, and that’s all that I am….and no, I don’t think I’m a sailorman. I’m just Manda. I'm a constant work in progress, realistic that I can't just up and morph into someone new every January and hope it sticks.

That's just the way I like it.

SIN

Recently a friend told me she was sinning. She was texting with me while she sat in church. I told her that this word "sin" has a different meaning for everyone.

The technical definition of sin is:

1. transgression of divine law: the sin of Adam.
2. any act regarded as such a transgression, esp. a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.
3. any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense: It's a sin to waste time.

I think we can all agree on some of the more aggregious sins, murder, fraud, rape, etc. But as far as "texting during church" goes, I think that is a personal call. Which made me wonder, what is my personal definition of sin?

To me, sin is something that upsets the peace in my heart. It can be an unkind word to someone who does not "deserve" it. It can be a random thought that has no place in my mind, and can only cause harm to someone else, or even myself. It can also be as simple as grabbing an extra bag of ice at the Wal-mart. To one person it may be breaking a traffic law, whereas to someone else, what are traffic laws?

Although, something that makes me feel bad isn't necessarily a sin. It may be a mistake, or a failure in judgment. The sin comes in how I take care of it. Do I apologize, do I justify? Do I make a wrong a right? Or do I shrug and move on. But is it really a "SIN?"

I think this term sin, is to place unnecessary gravity on some minimal mistakes. I would also contend that it's the easy way for a religious group to control their masses. Get them to do their bidding, if you will. I mean, who can argue for sin? "Please, Pope, let me cheat on my exam?" Not going to happen. Therefore it's a harness on the "righteous", a guilt trip to "guide" the masses.

Does God really care that she's texting me during church? Probably not. Although that could be a possible explanation as to why the world is in the shitter right now. Hypothesis: God is more worried about the incidence of texting during formal church functions, than the status of the current economic crisis. Hmmm....I'll have to run some tests, make some graphs and bar charts and "get back atcha."

So, my advice. Life your life in a manner that you're proud of, and more importantly, in a manner that makes your grandma proud. Fix your wrongs, own up to your mistakes. Take responsibility. Take time to evaluate your life and the way you're choosing to live it. Don't judge others. We're all trying our best. Be true to yourself, and the rest should fall into place.

So. I guess I'll get your text Sunday? If I don't text you back, it's because I'm in church.

We Voted. Did you?

What an amazing year we've had. The presidential election has sparked more interest than I can ever remember. Perhaps it's because I'm a political science major and I'm just hearing about it more. But from what I can tell, it's been a bigger issue with more people than years previously.

This was the fourth presidential election I have voted in, the second as a mother. I am a registered Republican, although those of you who know me insist that I'm a closet democrat. I will not go so far as to agree, but I will say I'm closer to the fence than the majority of my republican counterparts.

My journey to the polling station began a few months ago, mostly once McCain was already going to be the Republican nomination. McCain was really not a news-worthy event at this point in time. I was a little disappointed that Romney didn't make the cut, but most of the focus was Hillary or Obama. I was really rooting for Hillary to win, for a couple reasons. First of all, she has TONS of experience, I mean, anybody who has been married knows she jointly ran this country. If not almost completely ran this country. Another reason I wanted her to win was because she was a woman. I'm not going to lie here. I can relate more to a woman than to a man, regardless of race. So, I was hoping she'd win. She didn't. But what a fight.

Once the spotlight came off the democratic nominee war, then it was time to really take notice. Being a true Republican, it was going to take some solid persuasion from the Democratic party to entice me to cross the aisle. Joe Biden was picked as VP. Eh. Whatever. Not good enough. Number of houses McCain owned....still, eh. Not good enough. Sara Palin was picked as Republican VP. Yay! A woman! A fellow mother! Someone I can relate to! Yes! My vote is as good as cast.

Then she opened her mouth.

At first, I thought, "Okay, not stellar, but please, she has long days of night. Can you blame her? It takes a minute for someone to really rally. Her acceptance speech wasn't bad. It was pretty motivating....let's just wait and see how her interview goes." Then she was shielded from the press. Why? Well, I have two words for you. Katie Couric.

Why the campaign thought it was a good idea to release this hockey mom to a real pitbull (maybe they thought her lipstick could save her?), is beyond me. Her initial interview was SHOCKINGLY ridiculous. She misspoke, time and time again. She was uninformed, and it seemed that she just kept regurgitating the practiced lines she was fed by her monkey trainer. I was highly disappointed. But blissfully ignorant that MAYBE it would go unnoticed by the press. Oh wait, I mean, the "liberal, elite media." Oh how very, very wrong I was.

The interesting thing about Saturday Night Live, which I would point out, hasn't been THAT funny since the mid-eighties, is that they really, really know how to take the main issues and bring them to light. Such as that Palin gets more adorable when backed into a corner, and instead of fighting her way out with a good argument and statistics, she just tries to charm her way. Or point out that she has no clue what she's talking about. Or that she's using ridiculous arguments (such as her state's proximity to Russia) to make claims that she's full of experience. Instead of just admitting her experience is less than ideal, but that she's a quick learner, the McCain-Palin presidency has many advisers who are very well versed in areas where she is not, and that she will quickly be able to adapt to her post.

Instead, she chose to whine, complaining about the "gotcha media." Which in turn, just turned said media into a feeding frenzy. Hey, when someone admits that you "got 'em" it's like a challenge to get 'em again.

So, at some point, I changed my mind. I hate to say that I didn't vote McCain because of Palin, but there was absolutely no way I could physically vote Sara Palin into a "72 year old" heartbeat away from the presidency. I could EASILY think of three people I would feel more comfortable with to represent our country should the need arise. Larry, Mo and Curly. Honestly, though, if the female vote was what we were going for here, why not Anna Cabral, the Treasurer of the United States? A woman, and ALSO a Hispanic. Or any woman staffer in D.C. who has been on the hill for more than 20 years? If you want congressional experience, any number of these women would be your girl.

So, election morning (I DO NOT vote early. I think things can change over night, plus it takes some of the excitement out of it), we got up early. Our home was charged with excitement. We loaded up in the car, and headed to our precinct. My boys came with. I feel like this is a teaching opportunity that is worth exploiting. I'm raising my boys to love their country, and one thing that sets our country apart is our right to speak out and vote. We got to the precinct, got our ballot card, and we all trooped to the machine. Miles got to touch the box for Obama, Zeke for Matheson, and it just went from there. They were super excited and super engaged. When we were done, we all got our "I voted" stickers, and went out for pancakes. The boys were a minute late for school, but I would argue that they learned more in that short morning, as Ben and I explained the electoral college, and why we need to vote, than they did the whole day, nay, week at school. I know this is a morning they will always remember.

I didn't get to be with my boys when McCain conceded the race to Obama. The boys told me they jumped up and down, hugging and kissing. Which for two boys who spend more time slugging each other than showing affection, that's a pretty big deal. I would say the lesson was learned. The point hit home.

Voting is a privilege many, many good men died to give me. I will forever be grateful. At times I may not feel like my voice counts. But the men who have come before me's voices do matter, and really, mine does too.

Does yours?