Public Service Announcement

Attention all MEN! Are you feeling unfullfilled in your love life? Are you not getting the attention you require from your mate? Has your significant other suddenly stopped wiping your ass?


If you suffer from any of the above, chances are very good that you are afflicted with improper-gifting-itis. While many symptoms of this affliction can be confused with i-never-pull-my-weight-acosis, or it's sister affliction, forgot-it-was-our-anniversary-inosis, if not caught early, it can quickly death spiral into feelings of depression, lonliness, and sex deprivation.


Be not afraid! There are many cures to improper-gifting-itis. Fortunately, with the invention of Hallmark, V-chocolates, and BMW, your prognosis can be improved dramatically. It is important, however, to strictly adhere to the following guidelines:


1. Do not ever ask "What is the limit?" for any gift exchange. The limit is whatever you feel like spending. This is an opportunity for you to show her how much you care. Two rules of thumb, either spend A LOT of money, Tiffany works for example, or BE CREATIVE. Show her you listen to her, you know what she likes, and you want to make her happy. Speakers for her bedroom to "set a mood" may NOT be a good choice. Or a stripper pole.


2. Start listening to her hints. If there is a holiday coming up, or birthday, it is GUARANTEED that she is dropping hints like Hansel and Gretel dropped their little trail of crumbs. Make sure you are listening for them, and remembering them. Just like those little pieces of bread, they will disappear quickly and you will find yourself lost. And believe me, the witch that eats little children ain't nothin compared to the wrath of your woman.


3. Do not EVER give her a "was gonna". Not only will you NOT get the praise and admiration you were expecting with your almost thoughtfulness, she will never, ever, ever forget it. An example of this would be "I was gonna get you a new dresser for your Birthday." The only part of this sentence that she will hear is "BUT. I. DIDN'T." Please, please avoid this pitfall.


4. When a card is appropriate, do NOT give her a xerox of your member instead. While to you it may be the gift that keeps on giving, to her it is one of the photos she will use on the billboard sign with a "missing child alert". That pic, and one, of course, of your smiling face.


5. Valentines Day is NOT a mutual Holiday. As unfair as this may seem, it is 95% YOUR responsibility. This is actually a sneaky competition. This is the day where the amount of your love is going to be directly compared to the amount of love other men have for her girlfriends and work associates. There is a reason there are so many cliche' Valentine gifts out there. Just make sure yours is bigger, better, and definitely on time.


While on paper these rules seem pretty cut and dry, as a man you understand that in real life it may be a little more on the gray side. When in doubt, seek the advice of a counselor who is in the trenches: another woman.


Testimonials:


"This year was the first year with my new girl, and I felt the pressure of Valentine's Day bearing down on me. Fortunately, with the help of my gifting advisor, I was able to get a thoughtful gift, well within my budget, and escaped what could have been disaster. Thanks, Chits and Giggles!"


"I have started really listening for the cues my wife is leaving for me, and when in doubt I have stuck to the basics, just making sure mine was bigger. What a relief! My wife is back to doing my laundry AND cleaning the base of the toilet again. Werked for me!"

While results vary for individuals, studies have shown* a striking relationship between the amount of effort and thought put into personal treatment, in contrast to direct neglect . As with most ailments, prevention of improper-gifting-itis is the most manageable way and painless way, and will help avoid any reccuring outbreaks.

In the face of adversity, just know you are not alone. Seeking help early may substantially reduce long term affects. Let us help you help yourself.

*Studies include facebook, telephone conversations and jaegerbombs. Margin of error +/- 2000% based on poll.

Where do I begin?

For someone like myself who always has so much to say, it's been awhile since I have taken just a moment of my day to write something semi-coherent. So, for all you followers out there, okay, like two of you, I'm back. And I'm excited to be here.

Tonight I will not be saying much of anything but "hello". Gettin' back up on that horse. Damn. It's good to be here.

Nothing makes sense...

So...I just got stung by a bee...or wasp...or yellow jacket...not sure what it was, but it made me realize the last time I got stung I was five. I actually remember it vividly. Sunny day, Paul and Evelyn's front yard, picked a flower, a daisy actually, and a bee sting. Although it hurt, I think I was even angrier about the injustice of the sneak attack. After all, I had no intention of hurting the bee. I didn't even know he was there. I was shocked by how unfair it seemed. Remember when you thought life was fair?

I grew up thinking that the quality of one's life was based on the fruits of one's own labors. Not to quote Jim Carey, but to quote Jim Carey "I'm getting what I deserve...I'm reaping what I've sown..." Then after that went to shit, I grew up thinking that the Lord sent you challenges to make you grow (but was promised said challenges wouldn't be more than you could handle).

But tonight, as I sit and ponder another sneak bee attack, and look at his lifeless corpse in my dishtowel on the floor...I realize that not only is life not fair, but it's unexpected. It's unmanageable, and even when you try to bite off only what you can chew...oftentimes you still choke on it (like raw carrots, for instance. No matter how small I chew those, I still end up with them stuck in my throat. Crazy, right?)

So, I came to blog. About how I wish I had appreciated times when my biggest headaches were how much I hated tomatoes and boys...but my attention was caught by the updates on my cousin, Michelle's, blog. I've never been slapped in the face by my laptop, but tonight was pretty damn close. If ever there was a time for me to question the injustice of life, it's been the past couple years.

My cousin Michelle is...wait...was six years younger than me. Although I guess when she passed away she was only five years younger. She is the model daughter of God. Always been pure of heart and mighty of soul. Of course, once someone passes, it's easy to say that. But I'm for real on this...One of many examples? I remember when we were a lot younger, I was playing Salt and Peppa on the cassette tape and she turned it off and said it was "naughty". I just thought they were "here" and wanted me to "push it back". But my Michelle, she had a close relationship with her Savior, was caring and loving, and while we weren't close as we got older, you know how with family you just...."are"? Well, we just were.

So, somebody tell me why it was in the plan for her to die? Why would this righteous mother of three be taken from her three children and husband, at the young age of 28?

Serioulsy. Take my brother instead. He's mostly useless.

Michelle told my mom (about a week before she died) that she was watching her funeral. People came to say goodbye. Us included. Do you know what it feels like to go pay respects when the soul hasn't left the body? She was so gracious about it. This was a gift she gave to me that I feel unworthy of recieving, and one that she gave to many, many others. If I were dying, I'm not sure I would be so unselfish.

So you see. Tonight I would love to go back to hating tomatoes.

But I can't. So I must make the most of my life. Live because I can. Hope for the future, but NEVER forget the lessons of the past. And never,ever forget those who have taught me lessons in their 80's censorship, kindness of heart, dry wit, and gone to meet death with bravery and faith.

I love you Michelle. You are my hero. My family.

Kids

Having children is one of the most amazing experiences of our lives, and at the same time one of the scariest. The responsibility that comes with being a parent is almost heart paralyzing, and definitely sleep depriving. It is not a task for the weak, but fortunately we are biologically strengthened when hear that heartbeat, and first smell the scent of our offspring. We are then given a gift of love that will fortify our souls in order to bear the duty of raising our young.

Thank God.

There are days that I'm not sure if I'm raising my children, or if they are raising me. My children have some gifts that over time I'm sure will be jaded but for now are so intrinsic to their natural selves that we, as adults, ought to watch and learn, and listen...and maybe take these lessons into our hearts and apply them.

What lessons you may ask? What emotions and/or traits? Here are a few things I need to learn from my kids:

Everyone is a friend. Have you ever watched a child in a new environment? A friendship begins with a few simple words: "Hi, what's your name?" That's the extent of it. Everyone is accepted...everyone is welcome. You give the benefit of the doubt.

Forgive and let go. My kids are constantly beating the crap out of each other, and occasionally their friends too. It happens. Frustrations surface. But beat the shit out of each other and get over it. I'm amazed that they'll have a huge brawl, and then fifteen minutes later, they're all sitting in a row talking about sports.

It's okay to cry. When your heart hurts, let it out. Don't keep it inside. Cry, and then go get a popsicle.

Say "I love you". I found this hard to bear when my kids were super little, because they would tell their friends that they loved them. I was worried that the other moms would not let my children play with their kids. But let's face it. When we get older we say it to our adult friends, here and there, anyway. But we do love our friends. Sometimes more then our family. So say it...don't spray it.

It's okay to laugh at others' mistakes. We are often embarrassed for others and choose to ignore the mistake, which almost makes it worse. Let's just laugh. Enjoy the moment. Because tomorrow I'll make an ass out of myself. So laugh at me then.

Differences are okay. You can use adjectives that describe other people, such as "brown, short, fat" because that's who they are and that's okay. You know what? I have a big nose, uneven ears, and a voice that sounds like I'm four. But if someone told you, "you know, the girl who has a big nose, uneven ears, and sounds like she's four" you'd know exactly who he was talking about, right? Cuz that's who I am. So. What. Don't be offended.

Ask questions. When you don't know, don't be embarrassed. Ask. It's amazing the facts you'll discover and the different things you'll learn.

And when you hear music? Dance. Dance like there is no one watching. Dance until you can't breathe. Let it all out.

Because really. Who cares?

Only you. So live with your heart. Let others' know you care. Learn everything you can, and forgive and forget. Lessons my children have taught me in the course of one day. I'm so very, very lucky.

random things about me.

this was a little facebook fun. and i'd like to share it. i was supposed to list 25 things about myself. so here it is:

1. i have webbed toes.
2. i've been dancing to barbra streisand's rendition of "jingle bells" since i was four (on the 8-track) before opening gifts on christmas day. now it's on the i-pod.
3. my idea of a perfect day is sleeping in, brunch at OB, nap, and a good book.
4. i'm in love with my best friend. (best GUY friend. obviously. although my best girlfriends are worthy of love....)
5. g-love kissed my right cheek. he was scruffy.
6. i've never been arrested, although i get pulled over regularly.
7. i have an eighteen year old daughter, not from my body.
8. i never got wisdom teeth
9. i have a blind dog.
10. i went on a date with senator daschle's son in high school.
11. i still sleep with my baby blanket.
12. i'm pretty sure i'm a ninja.
13. i don't like chocolate.
14. i gamble.
15. my ears are on crooked.
16. i love to play games. not head games. board games and such.
17. i hate the sound of scratching your blue jeans, or the sound of cloth ripping.
18. i've lost 20 lbs in three months.
19. i have a sibling in almost every decade (0-10, 10-20, 20-30, 40-50. i'm the 30-40)
20. i'm writing a book.
21. i don't eat fish. or seafood of any kind.
22. i want to go to the concentration camps in germany.
23. i love eighties music. and it's the best when sung at the top of your lungs. or at karaoke. but only if you're in a dive.
24. i occasionally go out in costume. just for giggles.
25. i've saved a life. well, someone i taught CPR to saved a life two weeks after my class. but i'm claimin' it.

I guess I'm impossible?

So, I guess I have a really annoying personality trait. For those of you that know me, or have ever gotten into an altercation with me, this news probably won't surprise you. What will be shocking, however, is that I'm confessing to my supposed "defect".

Well maybe.

My crime: I am never wrong. I honestly don't know how this happens, but it's true. I'm told over and over again by those close to me that I never admit when I'm wrong and that they can never win an argument against me. My response, of course, is "I'll admit I'm wrong, when I'm wrong. The problem is you're never right." Which, for some odd reason typically doesn't go over well.

When you think about differences of opinion, it is rare that there is RIGHT and WRONG. It's not a perfect science. I will always be right, and you will always think you're right. It's all about personal perspective. There are so many factors at play when you consider the way we think about things. My recollection of a previous conversation versus your memory. My understanding about what we communicated about, versus what you were intending to say. The conclusions drawn NOT ONLY about the situation at hand, NOT ONLY by the words that were said, but also our feelings and our own personal histories and viewpoints that have over the years come to shape what and how we think.

So, when considering the misunderstanding at hand, is it really clear that one person is right, and one person is wrong? Or is it really more logical to realize that in all probability both are responsible in some way. Maybe it was you changing your means of communicating with me, even though we had a previous history of speaking by mouth, rather than mail correspondance. Perhaps I'm culpable because I don't open my mail. Regardless of the misunderstanding, typically one person wins, and one person loses.

This, I guess, is where it's annoying to deal with me. I will fight until you understand that I'm right. If you think I am wrong, then the burden of proof rests on your shoulders. I will not budge until you see it my way, concede my point, and then I'll negotiate terms with you. If you can prove to me, however, that I'm sincerely in the wrong, then I will apologize and make it right.

I don't think this makes me a bad person. I think this just means I have a very stubborn viewpoint, and quite possibly be better at debate than you. It doesn't mean I don't feel bad about the misunderstanding, or that I think less of you as a person. I really do want to come to terms, and make amends.

It may be odd, but I believe that my skills to argue my case are actually a GOOD quality. I'm trying to raise my boys to fight for themselves. Think outside the box. Prove that what they have to say is valid. But if it's not, it's time to apologize.

So when you get frustrated with your inability to win, or when you resort to low blows instead of a valid argument, don't be surprised when we end up on opposite sides of a chasm. The good news is, I'm a lover, not a fighter. While I'm passionate about my cause, it's a flash in the pan. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, love you more, and forgive and forget.

Happy New Year!

Today is January 9, 2009. I am already nine days into this, the best year of my life, and I have yet to *gasp* make my New Year’s Resolutions.

How in the world am I going to make it through my year? I have no map of what I’m going to be. No image set out of the better person I aspire to become. No reason to quit my nasty habits. I missed the deadline. The year began without me. Guess I’ll have to wait until 2010. Whew. What a relief.

Now I don’t have to feel the guilt when I break my resolutions. Unlike 2008, which began with high aspirations. Rules that if followed would change my life. “Be great in 2008” was my motto. Not only did I slide into my old, and very established habits, which then in turn meant I was breaking my goals, at some point I realized that I should make my new resolutions (this was in May) the exact OPPOSITE and see if I could knock that ball out of the park. So I spent the rest of the year gaining weight, not working out , eating like crap, and some other unmentionables. I finished 2008 such a major success after the revision of my resolutions that guilt was not a emotion I felt.

I can tell that many of you made your resolutions, however. This is why I can't get a parking space at the gym, or when I'm on the track at the rec center you're in my way. Fortunately I can count on half of you being gone in two weeks, and the rest by the end of February. And once you actually break your resolution, you won't be back. Because you failed. So, no need to start again until next year. Feel bad about your failure, eat a bowl of ice cream, and see you next Janurary.

OR, you could, of course, work on yourself all year. A novel thought, I know, but just throwing it out there. You know, kinda set goals that change regularly like you do. Nah.

So I am proclaiming that this year, I am taking a stand. I am not making New Year’s resolutions. Dick Clark can kiss my lily white….knees. I am what I am, and that’s all that I am….and no, I don’t think I’m a sailorman. I’m just Manda. I'm a constant work in progress, realistic that I can't just up and morph into someone new every January and hope it sticks.

That's just the way I like it.